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FASHION

PUT THEM AWAY

Photo: Alexandra Kerry wows photographers at Cannes. Picture: AFP

Alexandra Kerry loomed out of the Cannes night like a Magritte nude, leaving the paparazzi pondering; "Did she dress in the dark? Was her postmodern take on visible panty line and Mister Magoo chic a ghastly accident — like an errant trail of loo paper — or a cunning ploy to lure lenses?" Whatever, it worked. More snaps were snapped of the frock-challenged US film director, and daughter of presidential candidate John Kerry, in her see-through mono-shoulder side-slit caped chiffon camera catcher, than of any other semi-famous-type-person at the 57th Cannes Film Festival this week.

WHAT'S HAPPENING OUT THERE?

Fashion is a dog's breakfast, and don’t we know it. For madam et monsieur, le menu du jour: Cardigans (thin and cashmere), florals (a tsunami of fresh flowery frocks and sundry separates is breaking, as we speak, over Britain and Europe and will build and break again over our coming spring/summer. Alannah Hill and Trelise Cooper mastered the art of floral arrangement early, in crisp combos with a nostalgic lilt), lioness curls (teased out to a voluminous tangle and best worn with something stringy for counterbalance), smoothed bobs (gathering momentum), puff sleeves (preferably sheer), metal-capped stiletto pumps (Helmut Lang's tripped off a trail of knock-offs requiring removal at airport metal-detecting security checkpoints), twisted T-shirts, crocheted lace mini frocks and skirts, fuchsia pink with gold, patterned tights, over-the-knee patterned socks, over-the-knee plain socks, lace socks (ankle, knee, mid-thigh), Corleone (jeans), playsuits (matched top and shorts, as interpreted by Alannah Hill for spring/summer 2004-05, pictured), patterned cotton bras (tripling as top, bra, and bikini), polka dots, floppy felt hats (in, out, in, out, in . . .), gingham, feather boas, fur stoles and capelets (summer or winter; if there's a nip, there's a need), faux lower lashes (of eyes, not whips), Prada Intimates (the knickers, quite lovely), cotton-knit shorts, fringing, lame and lurex, satin and lace. SHE SAID: "Nobody should look up to celebrities, ever, or do anything we do. We're basically circus freaks." US comedian Roseanne Barr, Popbitch. AND, SHE SAID: "Desperate, unhappy people exhibit genuine pain to be chosen for the honour of televised transformation. Men and women cry as they recall childhood slights and insults. The 'winner' is the one who exhibits the most self-hatred." Columnist Mary C. Curtis, The Charlotte Observer, describing the elimination process for another US cosmetic surgery-driven "makeover" show.

SNAKY GIRL: The sort-of-former-but-not-really supermodel Naomi Campbell is photographed more often these days for social pages than fashion spreads, not least because her beauty is leaner and stronger than it's ever been and she'd look smashing in a sack if she had one. At Cannes for a screening of the Coen brothers' film The Ladykillers this week, she wore white — a startling contrast for her macchiato complexion — and an oddly appropriate snake choker coiled about her swan-like. Glorious. GIVE IT UP: Any one of the 18,000 people not privy to a roof over their head on an average wintry night in Victoria will fondly wrap that old thing around their shivering middle if you don't care to. The St Kilda Crisis Centre is collecting, cleaning and preparing to deliver unwanted winter coats to homeless people — men, women and children — which is, of course, a happy coincidence for those among us lucky enough to have recently bought, or who are preparing to buy, a new one. Last year's coat — or, any old coat, for that matter — can be donated at several locations around Melbourne: the Lygon Court carpark pay booth, 333 Drummond Street, Carlton, the Playbox booking office at The Malthouse, 113 Sturt Street, South Melbourne, Tonic, 13 Martin Street, St Kilda, Reach Youth, 152 Wellington Street, Collingwood, and Mitre Tavern, 5 Bank Place, Melbourne. HOW FRILLING!: Women on towering stilts with hair flying and twisted tiers of red and orange silk frills wildly fluttering, rushed on stage behind Russian fiddler Julian Rachlin, at Vienna's annual Life Ball this week. The event, in aid of an HIV charity, is a magnet and forum for some of Europe's most exotic peacocks and celebrities.

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